1. If you have ripped abs. Let me tell you, some girls find that seriously overwhelming. Sometimes guys are so cut and toned it looks like they have some sort of disturbing growth coming from their lower body. And you know what I don’t want to see when I’m having sex with someone? Growths.
2. If you’ve slept with four women or 444. I mean, 444 might mean you’re a sex addict, but honestly, usually that stuff doesn’t even come up. If you’re really great to me and you’re great in bed and you get consent for everything we do, I couldn’t care less who else you’ve done it with.
3. If you have a 14-inch monster penis. I’m not going to say size doesn’t matter at all, but every girl’s definition of what’s big and small is different. If you apologize for how small you think it is, that’s just drawing attention to something she might not even be thinking. That’d be like, “So this is my apartment. It’s ugly and small, and someone should burn it down.”
4. Whether you’re too hairy or not hairy enough. Again, this varies from person to person. And trust me, no one has ever said, “I love him because he has the perfect ratio of hair to skin.”
5. If you lose your erection. Yeah, we’re not thrilled about that because we wanted to have sex with you, but we don’t suddenly hate you either. It’d be like if you apologized every time you yawned or your nose itched. That’s a bodily function no one could control if they wanted to, not something that’s going to make us storm out in disgust.
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6. That weird face you make during sex. Trust me, everyone is too busy making their own weird sex face to be able to notice yours.
7. If you come too quickly during sex. Again, it’s not our favorite thing, but we only give a shit when you just give up and that’s all the sex for today. Just admit defeat, dust yourself off, and go down on us until we come. That’s our version of going to the bank and asking for a $100 bill and they can only give us two $50s. No big.
8. If you have man-bush. As long as it’s not a forest taking over our entire bedroom and you’re not insistent on us being hairless robots, it’s not something we notice.
9. If you fart in bed. As long is it’s cool if we do this at some point, fart away. Please limit it to accidents though. Outside of that, you should probably see a doctor.
10. If you don’t want to cuddle after sex. Honestly, if the sex was great, chances are we just want to lie there in a blissed-out state until we return to consciousness and/or fall asleep too. And if we’re still all over you after sex, make sure we actually came because there’s a good chance we’re all over you because we’re still horny as hell.
11. Whether you’re doing everything perfectly. It’s awesome that you want every lick and stroke and thrust to be perfect, but we know it’s not going to be. Sex is a lot like a movie that had some awkward, weird parts in it but overall we loved the film and would watch it again pretty much any day of the week. Especially if that movie was naked and hot.